Gordon’s Gems and Guidance

When your children watch you navigate disagreements, they’re learning what conflict looks like, how to resolve it, and even how to apologize when necessary. So, while arguing is normal, even healthy, it’s also a powerful opportunity to model the kind of emotional skills you want your kids to carry into their own relationships.

When I teach the girls how to use “I statements” to resolve conflicts, I often hear something like, “My parents need to use those!” So go ahead and try one out on your partner next time you are angry or upset. They go like this: “I feel ___________ (angry, annoyed, hurt) when you ___________ (are on your phone at dinner, don’t empty the dishwasher, always play the “good cop” with the kids), because I want ___________ (whatever you’d like—worded in a positive way).” The receiving spouse then responds by validating those feelings and restating what he/she heard. They can agree and apologize or respond with their own “I statement.” Of course, all of this is done calmly . . . ideally. 😊

There will be times when you know a conversation might get heated. If that’s the case, try to plan ahead. Maybe go grab a coffee at a café and talk things through in public. The change of scenery can help both of you stay calmer and just as importantly keeps the kids out of earshot. I remember a time when my daughter was five and literally on the other side of the house. I was on the phone, thinking I was speaking privately, and later that night she asked me a direct question about the conversation. What an eye-opener and a great reminder for me that little ears are always listening.

The disagreements that affect children most are the ones where they are the subject of discussion. Even minor spats like, “You’re letting her have too much iPad time,” or “9:00 is too late for bedtime,” can make a child feel like it’s her fault that her parents are fighting, especially if the argument touches on a mistake the child made.

The good news? If your child does overhear a disagreement, take a minute to reassure her. Let her know it’s not her fault that you and your partner were upset. Kids need to hear that adults sometimes disagree. Assure them that they don’t have the power to “make” you fight or “make” you get along.

Research backs this up and consistently shows that it’s not whether parents argue, rather how they argue that affects children most. A landmark study, led by University of Rochester, found that children who were especially distressed by parental conflict had higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone linked to later health and emotional issues. More recently, a study published in the journal Family Process found that higher levels of interparental conflict were associated with lower emotional security in children which in turn related to increased mental‑health problems.

In closing, no marriages are perfect (that could actually be boring). So, the next time tensions rise, take a deep breath, try an “I statement,” and remind yourself that your children are listening and watching. They’re learning from how you do it.