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Let Them: A Parenting Philosophy You Might Just Want to Try
You’ve probably heard of Mel Robbins’ book The Let Them Theory. Essentially, it’s about how you can’t control others’ actions or feelings. Instead, focus on how you respond. It’s referred to as the new “ground-breaking approach,” but for us counselors and therapists (maybe you too), it’s been around for a long time. And guess what? You can also apply these ideas to parenting.Here’s how:
- Stop trying to control as much:
Your children aren’t exactly like you (and that’s a good thing). They’ve got their own personalities, and trying to control them is a battle you’re bound to lose (you’ll likely to end up in a power struggle). Instead:
• Let them pick their clothes (even if they don’t quite match).
• Let them choose their friends (even if you’re a little unsure about that one).
• Let them decide whether to play soccer or try a dance class (or maybe both!).
Save your energy for the big stuff, and don’t sweat the small stuff!
- Let go of frustration when they don’t meet your expectations.
We’ve all been there…hoping for a smooth, drama-free morning, only for your child to be looking for her other shoe 30 seconds before it’s time to leave. Instead of “freaking out” (as my daughter would call it), remind yourself: Let them be late. Maybe they forgot their swimsuit? Let them. Hopefully they’ll remember it next time. (And if it helps you feel better, send the teacher an FYI email to let her know that you are letting your daughter experience “natural consequences.”) - Set boundaries without guilt.
Kids love to test boundaries…it’s just a natural part of growing up. They’ll ask for snacks every 5 minutes, try to get 30 more minutes of screen time, and act shocked when you remind them it’s bedtime (again). Your role is to calmly hold those boundaries. Even though this will likely upset and anger your child at the time, in the long run this builds a sense of safety, security, and trust.
• “I know you’re starving, but the kitchen is closed until dinner.”
• “Sorry, no more Minecraft. Time to brush your teeth.”
• “Yes, it’s bedtime. I know you want to stay up, but it’s my role as your mom/dad to keep you healthy and well rested.”
Let them have their feelings—but stand your ground. - Let them show you who they are
Your children have their own personalities, with their own unique traits. And sometimes, they’ll surprise you in ways that are better than you imagined.
• You hoped for a little bookworm, but they’re all about math? Let them.
• You envisioned soccer stardom, but they’re more into playing the recorder. Let them.
• You wanted a bit more of a mini-you, but they’re obsessed with sloths (or slime videos—who knew that was a thing?). Let them.
Your role is to support their interests and passions, not to control or decide for them.
- Focus on your own growth as a parent
Forget trying to be the “perfect parent” (it doesn’t exist). What really matters is being present for your child.
• If you feel guilty about working too much, don’t try to buy their love. Just make the most of the time you have with them. (And yes, put down that phone.)
• If you snap at them (we all have our moments), apologize and move on. They’ll still love you and respect you for apologizing
• If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath and remember: you’re doing better than you think.
Your kids don’t need a perfect parent—they need you, exactly as you are.
Let them be who they are, with all their feelings and ideas—even the ones that don’t always make sense to you. Let them make decisions and, yes, let them make mistakes. Let them learn from those mistakes and take responsibility, knowing you’re always there to support them. So, take a deep breath and try out the “Let Them” approach to parenting.
The Hockaday School
Within the private school community, The Hockaday School is an independent college-preparatory day school for girls from grades PK–12 located in Dallas, Texas. Students realize their limitless potential through challenging academic curricula, arts, athletics, and extracurricular programs so that they are inspired to lead lives of purpose and impact.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.