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Gordon’s Gems and Guidance
Navigating Social Stress in Lower School - Key Takeaways from Audrey Woods
Thank you to the parents who joined us for Audrey Woods’ presentation on Navigating Social Stress in Lower School. For those who were unable to attend, I wanted to share a few key takeaways from her talk, along with ways we can support girls as they navigate friendships, conflict, and the natural ups and downs of relationships.
What Do We Want for Our Girls?
When deciding when to step in and when to let our daughters work through a difficult situation, it helps to keep the bigger goal in mind. We want our girls to develop meaningful relationships, manage conflict, feel loved and accepted, understand other people’s perspectives, set healthy boundaries, and know how to repair relationships when things “go south.” These skills develop through experience, not by avoiding every uncomfortable social situation.
Relationships Matter
The long-running Harvard Study of Adult Development has found that the quality of our relationships is strongly connected to happiness, health, and well-being throughout life. Quality matters more than quantity. Girls do not need a large circle of friends to be socially successful: a few relationships in which they feel safe, valued, and connected can be incredibly meaningful.
The long-running Harvard Study of Adult Development has found that the quality of our relationships is strongly connected to happiness, health, and well-being throughout life. Quality matters more than quantity. Girls do not need a large circle of friends to be socially successful: a few relationships in which they feel safe, valued, and connected can be incredibly meaningful.
Some Social Stress Is Important
We live in a culture that can be quick to label difficult interactions between girls as “girl drama.” Girls can certainly be “spicy” with one another at times, but a certain amount of social stress is developmentally appropriate and important. Disagreements, hurt feelings, changing friendships, and misunderstandings give girls opportunities to practice skills they will need throughout their lives. Our job is not always to remove the uncomfortable feeling. Instead, we can validate the feeling while communicating confidence that our daughters can handle it. “I understand why that hurt your feelings, and I know you can get through this.” That combination of empathy and confidence helps build resilience.
We live in a culture that can be quick to label difficult interactions between girls as “girl drama.” Girls can certainly be “spicy” with one another at times, but a certain amount of social stress is developmentally appropriate and important. Disagreements, hurt feelings, changing friendships, and misunderstandings give girls opportunities to practice skills they will need throughout their lives. Our job is not always to remove the uncomfortable feeling. Instead, we can validate the feeling while communicating confidence that our daughters can handle it. “I understand why that hurt your feelings, and I know you can get through this.” That combination of empathy and confidence helps build resilience.
Conflict or Bullying?
It is important to distinguish typical conflict from bullying. Conflict generally occurs between children with relatively equal power and centers around a particular situation, disagreement, experience, or object. Bullying involves a power imbalance and harmful behavior that can have more significant or lasting emotional, social, or behavioral effects. Not every unkind interaction is bullying. Recognizing the difference helps adults respond appropriately while still taking a child’s feelings seriously.
It is important to distinguish typical conflict from bullying. Conflict generally occurs between children with relatively equal power and centers around a particular situation, disagreement, experience, or object. Bullying involves a power imbalance and harmful behavior that can have more significant or lasting emotional, social, or behavioral effects. Not every unkind interaction is bullying. Recognizing the difference helps adults respond appropriately while still taking a child’s feelings seriously.
Coach Toward Assertiveness
Girls naturally have different social styles. Some may be more aggressive or intense, while others may be more passive and hesitant to speak up. Both can benefit from coaching toward assertiveness… learning to express their needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully while also considering the needs and perspectives of others.
Girls naturally have different social styles. Some may be more aggressive or intense, while others may be more passive and hesitant to speak up. Both can benefit from coaching toward assertiveness… learning to express their needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully while also considering the needs and perspectives of others.
Listen Before You Fix
When our daughters are upset, our instinct is often to jump in and solve the problem. But sometimes what they need most is simply to feel heard. Validate and normalize the feeling: “That sounds really disappointing.” “I understand why you felt left out.” “Friendships can be hard sometimes.” Then ask a simple question: “What do you need from me right now?” Do you want me to listen, give you a hug, or help you figure out what to do? This gives girls some ownership over what happens next and helps them learn to identify what they need.
When our daughters are upset, our instinct is often to jump in and solve the problem. But sometimes what they need most is simply to feel heard. Validate and normalize the feeling: “That sounds really disappointing.” “I understand why you felt left out.” “Friendships can be hard sometimes.” Then ask a simple question: “What do you need from me right now?” Do you want me to listen, give you a hug, or help you figure out what to do? This gives girls some ownership over what happens next and helps them learn to identify what they need.
Sibling conflict can offer similar opportunities. Preventive coaching and talking through predictable problems can help, while allowing children to work through manageable disagreements gives them valuable practice with negotiation, perspective-taking, boundaries, and repair.
The Bigger Goal
It can be hard to watch our children experience friendship problems or hurt feelings. But our goal is not to make sure our girls never experience social stress. It is to help them develop the skills and confidence to navigate it. When we listen, validate, coach when needed, and show confidence in their ability to cope, we send an important message: Relationships can be hard sometimes, and I can handle hard things.
It can be hard to watch our children experience friendship problems or hurt feelings. But our goal is not to make sure our girls never experience social stress. It is to help them develop the skills and confidence to navigate it. When we listen, validate, coach when needed, and show confidence in their ability to cope, we send an important message: Relationships can be hard sometimes, and I can handle hard things.
The Hockaday School
Within the private school community, The Hockaday School is an independent college-preparatory day school for girls from grades PK–12 located in Dallas, Texas. Students realize their limitless potential through challenging academic curricula, arts, athletics, and extracurricular programs so that they are inspired to lead lives of purpose and impact.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.