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Helping Anxious Kids Grow Stronger: Why Being “Nice, Patient, and Reassuring” Can Sometimes Make Things Worse
If you're the parent of a child struggling with anxiety, you’re not alone . . . and neither is your child. Anxiety is the most common mental health issue in children. It can look like a fear of sleeping alone, refusal to go to school, constant worry about loved ones, or meltdowns over new or uncertain situations. As a parent, your instinct is to soothe, protect, and reassure. You want to be kind. You want to help. You want your child to feel better. But here’s the hard truth: sometimes, what feels like kindness can accidentally make things worse.
The Problem with "Nice" Reassurance
When your child is anxious, it’s natural to jump in with reassurance.
- “There’s nothing to worry about.”
- “You’re safe, I promise.”
- “I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”
These responses come from love, of course they do. But over time, they teach your child that she can’t handle the fear on her own. The message becomes: “You need me to make this go away.” Instead of growing their courage, this keeps their world small and their fears big.
Accommodation: The Slippery Slope
Another well-meaning response is changing your behavior to reduce your child’s distress, a pattern called accommodation. This might mean:
- Letting your child stay home from birthday parties
- Answering the same worry-filled questions over and over
- Speaking for them when they’re shy
- Avoiding certain places, people, or words that trigger their anxiety
These adjustments can bring temporary peace. But long-term, they can reinforce the belief that anxiety is dangerous, and that avoidance is the only solution. As anxiety gets rewarded by avoidance, it tends to grow… and so do the demands on you.
What Actually Helps
The good news? You can help your children manage anxiety, not by removing the fear but by showing them they can face it.
Here are a few powerful shifts to make:
1. Support, Not Save
Instead of rescuing your child from anxious moments, focus on supporting her through it. You might say:
- “I know this feels scary, and I believe you can handle it.”
- “It’s okay to feel nervous. You don’t have to feel ready to be brave.”
- “I’m here with you, but I’m not going to change the plan.”
This shows your child that fear is uncomfortable, not dangerous, and that she is capable of tolerating it.
2. Shrink the Accommodations
If you’ve been rearranging your life to work around your child’s anxiety, you’re not alone. But scaling back gently and gradually can send a powerful message of confidence.
Pick one accommodation to reduce. Maybe you stop answering the same reassurance question, or you stop staying in the room at bedtime. Expect some protest! That’s normal. But stay calm and consistent. You're helping your child build a new skill.
3. Model Calm Confidence
Kids read their parents like radar. If you look anxious, they’ll believe there’s something to fear. You don’t have to fake being upbeat, just stay grounded. Speak calmly. Let your body language say, “This is hard, and we’ve got this.”
A Mindset Shift for Parents
Anxiety isn’t something you fix for your children. It’s something they learn to face with your support. Your job isn’t to erase the fear but to walk alongside them as they learn they can handle it.
It’s hard to watch your child struggle. But protecting her from all discomfort teaches her that discomfort is unmanageable. In truth, kids are incredibly resilient, especially when the adults around them trust in their strength.
Final Thoughts
Parenting an anxious child can be exhausting. But the most powerful thing you can do isn’t to shield them. It’s to believe in them. You don’t need to be perfect. Just consistent. Calm. Present. If you’d like to know more about this topic, please reach out to me . . . and/or get a copy of Eli Lebowitz’s book Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD, A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents.
Your children don’t need a rescuer. They need a coach, a cheerleader, and someone who believes they can do hard things. And that someone is you.
The Hockaday School
Within the private school community, The Hockaday School is an independent college-preparatory day school for girls from grades PK–12 located in Dallas, Texas. Students realize their limitless potential through challenging academic curricula, arts, athletics, and extracurricular programs so that they are inspired to lead lives of purpose and impact.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.