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The Power of Validation in Parenting
The other day I was thinking about what my next article should be about and remembered that I had recently spoken with a member of the accreditation team who reminded me of the book The Power of Validation by Karen Hall and Melissa Cook. As a therapist, validation with clients comes as part of the job, but for parents it often takes some practice. So why is validation so important and beneficial to our children?
As your daughter(s) moves through lower school, friendships deepen, school becomes more complex, and emotions get more intense. One of the most valuable skills you can give your child during this time is the ability to feel heard, understood, and accepted. That’s where the power of validation comes in. When you validate your child’s thoughts and feelings, you’re not approving every behavior . . . you’re saying: “I see you. I understand you. You matter.” That message builds trust, emotional awareness, and resilience. Validation means acknowledging, accepting, and recognizing your child’s inner experience, her feelings, and her thoughts . . . regardless of whether or not you feel that your child should be experiencing them. Validation is not the same as saying, “That’s ok to do whatever you want,” nor is it ignoring boundaries or misbehavior. It simply says “I understand how you feel, and we will work together to find the next step.”
There is a lot of research and data that also support the idea that validation matters for children’s emotional development and behavior. In short, when children feel validated, they feel safer expressing their feelings, learn emotional skills, and are less likely to act out or become emotionally overwhelmed. They develop a secure sense of self, and your relationship with them improves.
Here are some concrete things you can try daily:
- Pause and listen.
When your child says, “I’m upset” or “That’s not fair,” stop what you’re doing for a moment. Look her in the eye and give a few seconds of your full attention. - Reflect and name the feeling.
Say something like: “It sounds like you’re feeling really disappointed that your friend couldn’t come over.” This response reflects their experience and gives words to the feeling. - Accept the emotion.
You might add, “I get that it makes sense you’d feel that way.” This doesn’t mean you agree with everything, but you accept the feeling is real. - Hold the boundary AND empathize.
For example: “I understand you’re frustrated you have homework tonight. We still need to get it done though. How about we figure out how you can finish it and then we do something fun?” This couples validation (the feeling) with clear structure (the boundary). - Teach coping and next steps . . . but only after validating.
Ask your child “What might help right now?” Offer options: “Would you like to take a short break, draw the feeling, talk about it, or do the homework first and then we’ll watch a show?” This gives agency and moves from feeling to doing. - Model your own emotional awareness.
You might say: “I’m feeling stressed today about work. I’m going to take a few minutes alone to calm down so I can come talk with you without being so grumpy.” This shows that adults too have feelings and handle them. *I had to do this ALL the time with my daughter, lol*
When we validate our children, we do more than comfort them. We help them understand their feelings and make better choices. As they grow and face new challenges, validation becomes the foundation for confidence, calm, and connection. So next time your child is upset, pause, reflect, validate, and then collaborate. Small moments of understanding can lead to big, lasting change.
The Hockaday School
Within the private school community, The Hockaday School is an independent college-preparatory day school for girls from grades PK–12 located in Dallas, Texas. Students realize their limitless potential through challenging academic curricula, arts, athletics, and extracurricular programs so that they are inspired to lead lives of purpose and impact.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.