Gordon’s Gems and Guidance

 

I personally remember starting 2nd grade in the middle of the year. “Katrina” threatened to beat me up every day after school, picked me last for every team, and glared at me constantly. She never touched me, but I lived in fear for months, running out of the school building as soon as the clock struck 3:00.  Of course, I never told a soul (I wish I had). This indeed was a clear example of relational aggression. And that memory has never gone away.

Many times, though, relational aggression is much subtler than what I experienced, but just as impactful, and designed to remain invisible to adults . . . strategic, subtle, and deeply social. It shows up in whispers and rumors, exclusion at recess, a sugary “You can’t sit here,” eye rolls, sideways glances or glaring showing disapproval, and inside jokes meant to isolate. These moments typically unfold during transitions, bathroom breaks, or on the playground, and occasionally in classrooms, usually when adults are distracted writing on the board, taking attendance, or helping another student. As a result, adults are often unaware unless someone reports the behavior, and many times the targeted child is too afraid to speak up. She may fear that the other girl will simply deny the behavior and that without “proof,” nothing will change.  Girls are also scared that if they do report the behavior, it will actually get worse. They worry the other girl will spread more lies and gossip about them.

Complicating matters further, the child engaging in “the behavior” is often especially polite and charming with teachers and other adults. Of course, she also needs support and guidance to understand what is driving these choices (family problems, low self-esteem, a need for power and control) and to learn healthier ways to navigate friendships and conflict.

So, how can we help as adults?  First, encourage your child to tell a trusted adult when someone repeatedly hurts her feelings. Explain this is not tattling--this is reporting and asking for help (it’s different). Show by example and model how to include others, manage conflicts calmly, and speak kindly. Look out for changes in your child’s mood, withdrawal, avoidance of peers, or reluctance to go to school. Ask your child open-ended questions if you are noticing these behaviors. Maintain open communication with teachers/school counselors about your child’s social experiences, while also remaining open to the possibility that your own child may not always be acting kindly. As parents, it is natural to want to defend our children, but meaningful growth requires honesty, humility, and reflection. If a teacher or counselor reaches out to discuss your child’s behavior, please know that these conversations are never made lightly. They are difficult calls to initiate, and faculty members do not contact parents unless they are confident that the behaviors in question are occurring and need to be addressed. Approaching these conversations with openness and a willingness to partner together allows us to best support your child’s growth and well-being. At times, children may be too embarrassed or fearful to admit to their parents or teachers the ways they have contributed to a situation. Creating a safe space for truthful conversations helps children take responsibility, learn from mistakes, and develop stronger, healthier relationships.

Relational aggression may be invisible, but its effects are real. It’s important not to overreact to all social/friendship problems, but, when necessary, children do need our help when things get overwhelming. Just as we no longer excuse harmful behavior in boys with “boys will be boys,” we should not minimize or normalize it in girls by saying “girls will be girls.” Let’s recognize it, address it, and teach all children to treat others with respect and kindness.