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Gordon’s Gems and Guidance
Understanding Why Children Misbehave
Children don’t just misbehave randomly; most behaviors have a reason/purpose. This is true for almost all the common childhood behavioral issues: lying, stealing, arguing/talking back, refusing/noncompliance, whining, interrupting, aggression, bullying/teasing (and yes, these are all within the range of “normal childhood behavioral problems”).
As parents, we sometimes have to act like detectives to get to the “hidden” goal behind a child’s behavior. Once we figure out the underlying cause, then we can respond calmly and appropriately and guide our children toward better choices. (FYI . . . children don’t consciously know these underlying causes either . . . so don’t bother asking them).
Here are the four main/broad categories that drive most children’s behaviors:
1. Seeking Attention / Belonging: What the child needs: Connection, recognition, and reassurance that she matters.
How to respond:
- Give positive attention for effort and good behavior. Try to ignore the smaller issues (i.e. ignore a child tapping you or saying, “Mommy, mommy” when you are on the phone). Negative attention is still attention.
- Notice small successes: “I appreciate how you waited your turn.”
- Spend short, focused, one-on-one moments to strengthen your bond.
2. Asserting Power: What the child needs: Safe ways to make choices and feel a sense of control.
How to respond:
- Offer limited choices whenever possible: “Do you want to do your reading before or after snack?” “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red one?” * Make sure you are ok with either choice you offer.
- Use logical consequences: “If the toy isn’t put back, it won’t be available at playtime.” * Take away items no longer than one day. This gives the child a chance to “try again.” You may end up taking and giving back for several days though.
- Stay calm and avoid arguing, which gives the child the power they are seeking. You can also give a rote response like, “I know you feel that way.” This validates their feeling about a situation, but changing it to their liking is not “on the table.”
3. Protecting Themselves / Responding to Hurt: What the child needs: Understanding, empathy, and help expressing emotions safely.
How to respond:
1. Listen and validate feelings: “I see you were upset when that happened.”
2. Address the underlying emotion, not just the misbehavior.
3. Teach problem solving: “Next time, what could you do instead of hitting or taking it?” Give them time to respond, and wait . . . then give your ideas. Practice role- playing.
4. Avoiding Failure / Feeling Inadequate: What the child needs: Support, encouragement, and chances to succeed in small steps.
How to respond:
1. Break tasks into smaller, manageable steps.
2. Celebrate small successes to build confidence.
3. Model persistence: “I struggled too, but I kept trying,” and encourage the child to keep going.
Misbehavior is rarely about acting “bad.” It’s often a child’s way of expressing needs, emotions, or frustrations. By understanding the goal behind her behavior and responding with empathy, guidance, structure, and when needed, a good discipline system with consequences, adults can help children build lifelong skills: honesty, responsibility, self-control, and confidence.
The Hockaday School
Within the private school community, The Hockaday School is an independent college-preparatory day school for girls from grades PK–12 located in Dallas, Texas. Students realize their limitless potential through challenging academic curricula, arts, athletics, and extracurricular programs so that they are inspired to lead lives of purpose and impact.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.