Daisy News
Gordon’s Gems and Guidance
When Your Child Doesn’t Win, Get the Part She Wanted, or Feel Included
Your daughter comes home disappointed. Her team lost again. She didn’t get the part she wanted in the school play. Sally invited another girl for a sleepover instead of her. The list goes on, as it tends to do in childhood (and adulthood, for that matter). Maybe she says, “It’s not fair!” and stomps around. Maybe she cries and shuts herself in her room. Or maybe she expects you to fix it, which you may desperately want to do, even when you can’t.
It’s hard to watch your child feel hurt or left out, especially when you know how much she wanted something. You may feel disappointed too. You might even be ready to contact the school before she has finished telling you what happened. First, take a breath and give both of you a little time. Sometimes “That’s not fair!” does point to something that deserves a closer look. But often, it just means, “I wanted something else, and this feels awful.” Listening helps you tell the difference. Try, “Oh, I know how much you wanted that part. I can see why you’re upset.”
You don’t have to decide right away whether the outcome was fair. You can take her feelings seriously without agreeing that someone did something wrong. My parents usually went straight to “Well, life isn’t fair.” They weren’t wrong, but I might have appreciated a hug first!
If you have a genuine question about a school decision, it’s okay to ask. A calm “Can you help me understand how the roles were assigned?” opens a more useful conversation than arguing for a different part. And if your child is repeatedly being excluded or targeted, that deserves attention too. Helping children handle disappointment does not mean asking them to manage a pattern of unkindness on their own.
Once the first wave of feelings has passed, ask, “Do you want me to listen, or do you want to think about what might help?” Sometimes she will want to talk. Sometimes she will need a snack, a little space, or a chance to do something she enjoys. She may still wish she had won or been invited. That’s okay. The goal is not to talk her out of being disappointed.
Later, you can help her think about one small next step. She might congratulate a teammate, find something she likes about the part she did get, or make plans with a different friend. Try to let her come up with ideas before offering yours. Children build confidence when they discover that they can feel disappointed and still figure out what to do next.
We cannot promise our children that every outcome will feel fair. We can listen, ask questions when needed, and help them learn that disappointment hurts, but they can handle it and move forward.
The Hockaday School
Within the private school community, The Hockaday School is an independent college-preparatory day school for girls from grades PK–12 located in Dallas, Texas. Students realize their limitless potential through challenging academic curricula, arts, athletics, and extracurricular programs so that they are inspired to lead lives of purpose and impact.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.