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Gordon’s Gems and Guidance
How Well-Meaning Parents Can Unknowingly Pressure Their Kids — and How to Avoid It
Most of us say, “I just want my child to be happy.” And we mean it. But even with the best intentions, kids often pick up on little things, our tone, our reactions, our offhand comments…and start to feel pressure we never intended. Girls especially, around ages 5–11, are in a stage where they’re figuring out who they are. And without us saying a word, they might start to wonder, “Do I have to be the best, the prettiest, the smartest to make them proud?”
Kids are incredibly tuned in…not just to what we say, but also to what we show we care about. They notice what gets our biggest reactions: our excitement when they bring home a good grade, how often we talk about winning, or how much attention we give to their appearance versus their effort or kindness. They notice when we bring up their achievements in front of others, and they notice when we don’t. Over time, these patterns quietly teach them what seems to matter most. With some small shifts, we can help them feel safe, seen, and loved for who they are…not just what they achieve.
Common Pressure Traps (and What to Say Instead)
Here are some everyday examples of how we might be sending pressure, and a gentler, more supportive way to reframe your response.
1. Praising Results over Effort
You say: “You’re the best dancer in your class. I’m so proud of you!”
She hears: “They’re proud when I do well. If I stop doing well, that might change.”
Try instead: “You looked so focused and full of joy out there. I loved watching you.”
She hears: “They’re proud when I do well. If I stop doing well, that might change.”
Try instead: “You looked so focused and full of joy out there. I loved watching you.”
2. Being Proud Only When They Are Successful
You say: “That was amazing… you’re so smart!”
She hears: “My success makes them happy. I have to keep this up.”
Try instead: “You worked hard on that, and it really showed. How do you feel about it?”
She hears: “My success makes them happy. I have to keep this up.”
Try instead: “You worked hard on that, and it really showed. How do you feel about it?”
3. Comparing to Other Kids (Even Casually)
You say: “Emma’s doing great in that program…maybe you should try it too.”
She hears: “I need to keep up with others to be seen as successful.”
Try instead: “Is there anything new you’d like to try? Let’s look into it together.”
She hears: “I need to keep up with others to be seen as successful.”
Try instead: “Is there anything new you’d like to try? Let’s look into it together.”
4. Over-Focusing on Social Status
You say: “Who did you sit with at lunch? Did anyone leave you out?”
She hears: “Fitting in matters. If I’m not popular, something’s wrong.”
Try instead: “Did you have any fun moments with friends today?”
She hears: “Fitting in matters. If I’m not popular, something’s wrong.”
Try instead: “Did you have any fun moments with friends today?”
5. Complimenting Looks Too Often
You say: “You look so pretty today. That dress is perfect!”
She hears: “Looking pretty gets attention. I need to keep that up.”
Try instead: “You look confident and happy. How do you feel in that outfit?”
She hears: “Looking pretty gets attention. I need to keep that up.”
Try instead: “You look confident and happy. How do you feel in that outfit?”
6. Putting Too Much Emphasis on Intelligence
You say: “You’re way ahead of the other kids…so gifted!”
She hears: “I always have to be the smartest. If I struggle, I’ve failed.”
Try instead: “I love how curious your brain is. You really enjoy figuring things out.”
She hears: “I always have to be the smartest. If I struggle, I’ve failed.”
Try instead: “I love how curious your brain is. You really enjoy figuring things out.”
7. Over-Scheduling or Micromanaging Activities
You say: “Piano at 4, soccer at 5, homework before bed!”
She hears: “I always have to be doing something productive.”
Try instead: “How are you feeling about your week? Want to change anything?”
She hears: “I always have to be doing something productive.”
Try instead: “How are you feeling about your week? Want to change anything?”
8. Talking about Her in Front of Her
You say (to another adult): “She’s my little perfectionist, always wants things just right.”
She hears: “That’s who I am. I’m not allowed to mess up.”
Try instead (in her presence): “She really puts care into what matters to her. I admire that.”
She hears: “That’s who I am. I’m not allowed to mess up.”
Try instead (in her presence): “She really puts care into what matters to her. I admire that.”
9 Getting Disappointed When She Falls Short
You say: “Well… that’s okay. Maybe next time you’ll try harder.”
She hears: “Failing lets them down. I can’t mess up.”
Try instead: “I saw how hard you tried. I’m proud of you for showing up, that takes guts.”
She hears: “Failing lets them down. I can’t mess up.”
Try instead: “I saw how hard you tried. I’m proud of you for showing up, that takes guts.”
Final Thought: Kids Are Mirrors
Kids reflect not just what we say, but how we see them. If we (even unintentionally) expect them to be impressive or successful all or most of the time, they’ll feel that pressure… even if we never say a word. This isn’t about guilt or blame. It’s about paying attention. When we take a moment to check in with our own expectations, insecurities, or worries, we’re less likely to pass them on. And when we model things like self-acceptance, balanced ambition, and unconditional love, we give our kids the freedom to be themselves … mistakes, messiness, and all. That’s the kind of success that really matters.
The Hockaday School
Within the private school community, The Hockaday School is an independent college-preparatory day school for girls from grades PK–12 located in Dallas, Texas. Students realize their limitless potential through challenging academic curricula, arts, athletics, and extracurricular programs so that they are inspired to lead lives of purpose and impact.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.
The Hockaday School does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or any other status protected by applicable law in the administration of its educational, admissions, financial aid, athletic, and other policies and programs.