Gordon’s Gems and Guidance

Parenting has changed a great deal. We certainly do not want to return to the days of “children should be seen and not heard,” although I suspect every parent has briefly understood the appeal of that idea! When I was growing up, feelings were not discussed much. If I cried (especially if I was in trouble), the response might have been, “I’ll give you something to cry about.” I’m glad we have moved away from that. Children need adults who listen and take their feelings seriously. But nowadays, it seems like the pendulum has swung too far the other way. We can become so focused on our child’s feelings that we forget children also need limits. Your child can be disappointed, frustrated, or angry, and the answer can still be, “No.” This is especially useful to remember when she has a very convincing argument for why bedtime should be at 10:30.

Parenting researchers often describe three approaches. Authoritarian parenting has strict rules but leaves little room for a child’s feelings or perspective. Permissive parenting offers plenty of warmth but too few limits or too little follow-through. Neither gives children the full combination of support and guidance they need. Authoritative parenting brings those pieces together: warmth, listening, clear expectations, and consistent limits. Research generally links this approach with better outcomes for children.

That brings me to Gentle Parenting. I think the idea often gets muddled online. At its best, Gentle Parenting looks a lot like that balance: staying calm, acknowledging feelings, and teaching children what to do next. It still includes boundaries and consequences. The Cleveland Clinic offers a helpful overview in their article on what gentle parenting really is:

In everyday life, it might sound like this: “I know you’re upset that screen time is over. It’s hard to stop when you’re having fun. You may be upset, but it’s still time to turn it off.” Or, if your child spills a drink, you can stay calm and say something like, “Oops! Let’s grab a towel. You can clean it up.” Your child’s feelings matter. Your expectations for her actions and behavior matter, too. You do not have to choose between the two.

So, enjoy a parenting video if it gives you a useful idea. Ask AI a question if it helps you think something through. But Gentle Parenting does not mean listening and consoling your child’s feelings endlessly. Sometimes you just have to say, “That’s not happening” and move on. Just remember that a short video or a chatbot does not know your child or your family. If you’re facing a particular challenge with your child, please reach out—I’m always happy to listen and help you figure out what might work.