Gordon’s Gems and Guidance

It becomes impossible to “shelter them” from the information, and really the goal should not be to shield children from reality completely.  The goal is to help them feel safe, grounded, and capable without accidentally increasing anxiety or reinforcing fear. There are so many “big issues” going on from war to extreme weather, violence, and politics, and even when we think they aren’t listening, they are. So, what’s a parent to do? First, start by asking more specifically what they heard, instead of explaining right away. Begin with questions like: “What did you hear?” “What do you think that means?” or “What are you wondering about?” Often children’s fears are based on misunderstandings. You want to correct their version, not overwhelm them with more information.

 Next, it’s always important to validate their feelings without increasing their fear. Validation does not mean agreeing that the world is dangerous. It means acknowledging their emotional experience. Instead of saying “There’s nothing to worry about,” “You’re fine,” or “That won’t happen,” try “That sounds like it felt scary to hear,” or “I can see why that would make you nervous.” Then follow it with calm reassurance: “We are safe right now,” or “If there were ever a real danger here, I would know what to do.” You also want to avoid over-comforting. It’s natural to want to comfort your child when she is scared. But giving too much reassurance or repeating “You’re safe” over and over can actually increase anxiety.  So, when children repeatedly ask the same question, it’s better to validate, give a clear answer, and then redirect. For example: “I’ve already answered that, and my answer hasn’t changed. Your brain is noticing this, but we are safe right now, and you don’t need to keep thinking about it.” After saying this once, calmly shift to a routine or new activity (e.g., “Time to go brush your teeth”).

What you say also depends on your child’s age: 

For younger girls, ages 4-7, keep explanations simple and concrete. They often assume far-away events are happening near them. For example, if they ask about war, you might reply, “Some grown-ups in another country are having a disagreement. It’s very far away. We are safe here.”

If they ask, “Are we going to die?” respond calmly, “No. We are safe. If there were ever real danger, I would know what to do and keep you safe.”

If they hear about storms or tornados: “We have a safety plan at home and know what to do to stay safe. Experts are watching the weather closely, and we are prepared.”

For older girls, ages 8-11, you can offer a little more nuance.

If they ask about war: “Yes, there is fighting happening in another country. It’s complicated, and it’s okay to feel sad or worried about it. The important thing is that it’s not happening here, and we are safe.”

If worry spirals into “What if it spreads?”, add “It’s normal for your brain to jump to ‘what if.’  Right now, there is no sign of that happening here. If anything changed, adults would handle it. Your job is to focus on being a kid.”

For storms: “Some places are having strong storms right now. Experts are helping people stay safe. We have safety plans, too.” Focus on observable facts, safety, and preparation.

When children do get scared, rather than adding more facts, focus on calming the body, such as doing slow breathing together or having them notice five things in the room. Remind them, “Right now, in this moment, you are safe,” and then return to normal activity.

We do not need to eliminate all fear. Some fear is normal and teaches caution, empathy, and awareness. What we want to avoid is turning it into a bigger anxiety issue through overexposure, over explanation, or over-comforting. Our girls watch our faces and notice our actions more than they listen to our words. If we respond with calm confidence, they will co-regulate and stay calm, too. If we escalate, they escalate.

We cannot control what’s going on in the world, but we can control the emotional climate in our homes. When girls feel heard and safe at the same time, they develop resilience. They learn the world can be complicated, even scary at times, and that they are not alone. And that is what truly helps them grow into strong, confident young women.