Gordon’s Gems and Guidance

There may be times when your child’s resistance is stronger. She may refuse to get dressed, refuse to get in the car, cry, cling to you, or insist that she simply cannot go. First, stay calm and curious. You can acknowledge her feelings without changing the expectation: “I can see that going to school feels really hard today. You’re still going, and the grown-ups are all going to help you.”

If this behavior is new or unusual for your daughter, it’s also important to communicate with her teacher (and me too). Let her know what you are seeing at home. Teachers can often provide helpful information about what has been happening at school and can keep an extra eye on your daughter during the day. There may have been a friendship problem, a difficult moment in class, a change in routine, or something else that is making school feel harder right now. For older Lower School students (1st-4th grade), another option is to let your daughter know that she still needs to go to school, but she can come directly to my office when she arrives. This can be especially helpful when something specific is bothering her, such as a friendship problem from the previous day. Just let me know she is coming, and I can coordinate with her teacher.

There may occasionally be a morning when talking simply isn’t getting your daughter into the car. Depending on your child and your family, you may need to calmly and firmly help her get dressed, get into the car, and get to school, even if there are tears along the way. And if your daughter doesn’t want to get out of the car once you arrive at school, please let us help. Stay in the carpool lane (don’t park and walk her into school). Our teachers are very accustomed to helping children separate from parents in the morning. Sometimes the goodbye is much harder when Mom or Dad are still there than it is two minutes later when the child is inside with her teacher and friends!

Unless your child is sick or there is another reason that she truly needs to be home, avoiding school because she doesn’t want to go can unintentionally make returning the next day even harder. If an older child absolutely refuses and you truly cannot physically get her to school, staying home should not turn into a bonus vacation day. Keep the day quiet and boring. No devices, TV, special treats, or fun activities. Also, limit talking with her and giving her any of your attention (positive or negative). The message is not, “You’re being punished.” The message is simply, “If you are too upset to attend school, then today needs to be a quiet day at home.” And if she changes her mind at 10:30 and announces, “Actually, I think I can go to school now,” wonderful! Bring her in. A late arrival is much better than missing the entire day.

Young children naturally test limits and look to the adults around them to understand which boundaries are firm. Our job is to listen to their feelings while still making the decisions that keep them safe, healthy, and growing. The goal is not to convince your child to want to go to school every single morning. The goal is to communicate, “I hear you. I believe you can handle this. And I know the adults at school will take good care of you.”

If school resistance becomes frequent, intense, lasts for more than a few days, or seems very different from your child’s typical behavior, please reach out to your daughter’s teacher and to me. Rather than letting mornings become a daily battle, we can work together to figure out what may be behind the behavior and create a consistent plan between home and school. There may still be some tears along the way. That’s okay. Parenting often means being the calm, confident grown-up, while your child is giving you a very passionate presentation (or temper tantrum) on why school should clearly be optional. Fortunately, you don’t have to navigate those mornings alone. I’m here to help (and so are the rest of the faculty). We are a team!